August 25th

ARIES With patience and understanding on your part your enemies will come to you to talk peace,(with a little more beating and holy water you wont have to worry about them coming to you they will be laying in he street dead) Tonight finds you dreamy, imaginative, and very intuitive.(snap out of it and throw some holy water) vitality and vigour returns to your romantic liaisons (ah so we will cancel the order of Viagra then). Your lucky number is 1400 (good luck at lotto with that number hahaha)

LEO The day filled with communicative abilities (perhaps read this as disseise omg), travel, will be a highlight (ok just where have you been or planning to go with them communicative errr). Your thinking is inspired now and you’ll express yourself with zeal and conviction.(yes at last ripping off the heads of your enemies and eating their heart works as I told you it would). Your lucky number is 181 (I so love the metric system)

SAGITTARIUS Keep the lines of communication open.(learn a new power mind domination works a treat and it really is a form of communication well one way). If something/one is bothering you, talk it over with someone.(plan how to destroy them and blame someone else for it) Don’t be antsy about exploring new locations and meeting new people.(the more you meet the more you can eat. I so love those all you can eat restaurants) Your lucky number is Pi

TAURUS Take the initiative in romance or in making entertainment plans. going out to buy that new whip or feather ( I said feather not rooster or was it bottle brush) At night, however, you may be pre-occupied(as any good evil vampire should be sucking blood).An interesting day with a loved one (ok rooster) Your lucky number is 1.145

VIRGO You may take a break from routine activities to be alone with your thoughts.(See and everyone thought a brooding vampire was a bad thing) Meditation may lead to insights that will cause a change in your current life ( or it might get you staked through the heart for all this daydreaming snap out of it) Past problems raise their ugly head (I say lop them off and poison the root) Your lucky colour is puce

CAPRICORN The pace in the city may be sluggish and frustrating. However, you’ll be very successful with a personal negotiation (aren’t all vampires I mean mind control and threatening behaviour enables you to rule most outcomes). Romance too is in the air.(romance hmm horizontal folk dancing) don’t be foolish to Gemini-like juggle too many projects at one time! Kill one opponent at a time and then move on Your would be luckier if you had better breath

GEMINI Teamwork allows you to do more than usual now.(see that’s what I mean clans are a team) Today be innovative with ideas involving family or property interests(yes borrow some of your friends slaves and drink them dry. errr well they are family they will forgive wont they). Financial developments are also positive.(some rich dumb arses in the city today). Your lucky number has left town to embarrassed to be seen with you

LIBRA You may have a heavy workload today,(your turn to bury the clans body count?) but you’ll be pleased with your success. (see you can hide all them bodies under the carpet). Update future vacation plans while you have plenty of time.(ye before the police or that nosy person next door starts asking about the lumpy carpet and the smell) Your lucky colour is blood red

AQUARIUS Wake up to smell the romantic roses in the night.(Le pretty gal/boy is out side right now waiting with open. arms (I said arms) You must make your current dreams come true the old-fashioned way–by hard work!(mind control damn it use your mind control) Your lucky number has been stolen by GEMINI

CANCER Everything is going slow tonight but eventually it goes as planned. A Minor interruption is taken care of by slitting their throat, So hang in there. Remember the more informed you can be, the greater your chances of success today.(especial if your a spy) You will be lucky all week especially in on obsidian and 90th

SCORPIO This will be a relaxing day when you’ll be spending quality time with your clan throwing holy water. You’ll also be fired up about a new romantic interest. Bring your best behaviour and get your timing down pat to boost leg over hopes.(showering like regularly wont hurt either) Your lucky number is 69 (ok sometimes metric sometimes not)

PISCES An adviser will give you the wrong guidance about a concern that’s been bothering you. What ever you do don’t go it alone. Take your family and clan along just in case oh yeah and make the advisor go first. After dark is good for socializing.(damn Skippy it is you’re a farking vampire for gawd sake) Having fun with your hobbies and socializing is the way to go for now.(my hobby is drinking human blood an I socialise with humans all right) Your lucky number is 12