Get Your Hot Horrorscopes… Believe Them or Not !!!

F I R E S I G N S

Aries

Your pasty coloured skin will come to the fore with the arrival of a zip code size zit right in the middle of your chin (while I am not saying it will show you could be the new Rudolf the yellow chined reindeer for the weekend unless you lance it. just what you need a personal neon sign advertising pasty skin and fangs) Copious amounts of make-up will do nothing to cover it, but will just make it look bigger on the up side your shares in the zit cream chemical company have risen 20% since Monday

Your lucky number will be 3 and glowing like a well neon light.

Leo

The new moon in your sign on Thursday combined with Mars(mars the warrior remember 6 foot 2 all muscle bound with a great set of well breasts or a huge Schlong err sword) speaks of a new kind of energy,(or a hot romance or booty call) drive and initiative are at a high so get that special book of positions and tantra tantric sex which means you have a better than average chance of getting out of doing the ironing.

Your lucky number is now 2 or 3 or 4 depending on the amount of partners you can fulfill Sagittarius

Time to gather your skills and resources,(read this as marbles and sanity) to be assertive (read that as bull headed) and to put your ideas to the right people.(read that as go kill the scum or perhaps just holy water the hell out of someone, perhaps its time for that promotion or position change) And then tap up your dad for some beer money.(well unless he’s Sade and then he might hit you up for a beer or keg)

Your lucky number is 9 so next time you see Sade buy him 9 drinks (that will do nicly)

E A R T H S I G N S

Taurus

A week when finding the right words at the right time will have the effect of smoothing over a potential family upset (or inflaming the upset to red hot poker value). So be brave and admit how you love those scratches on your back or lipstick on your collar (or both)

Finding the right words sometimes is only the half the rest is kneeling before them and admitting you are a very bad girl/boy and yes whips are allowed (err sorry wrong column)

Your lucky number will be issued by your master/mistress

Virgo

Don’t worry for your apparently hidden or invisible talents or not so hidden assets are slowly but surely coming into the light, not that the light is bad, but it does tend to turn that pale gothic complexion of yours ashy. Wonderbras work wonders for turning those male virgoans wandering around the city in skirts into the volumptuous vamps they strive to be.

Your lucky number is cancelled and if I see you in a skirt (yes you know who you are) your lucky if I don’t punch you

Capricorn

With so much emphasis in the element of Fire this is surely just the kind of energy you need to inspire and enthuse you to get a new project under way( or perhaps its just time to torch the local church and eat up all the priests). You will find a way to pay off the credit card bill.(theft in the city is always the best way to pay off the credit card bill and every once in a while bitting fills the hunger pains)

Your lucky number is 10245 which is the total of your bloodline in the family lets hope they all don’t come and sup on your blood in greeting

A I R

Gemini

Your ideas start to flow and blossom(just like the blood of the recent victims in the city) and so do your relationships(those relationships are the thing that holds the city together just not sure what your using for glue err sticky ), a loving and sociable week ahead.(damn booty calls at 5 am got to love them) Use protection.(always use protection maniacals and hand cuffs and restraints got to look after the skin on your back or perhaps its just that 1 inch foam matting when your tied down and well you get the idea)

Your lucky number is 69 or 181

Libra

The world is your oyster,(I love eating oysters specially when I get the pearl I am sure there are a lot that like the Pearl and a lot of lybrians who like it) there’s a lot going for you. Of course this does demand quite a bit of effort and expertise(knowing how to use all of your equipment and hers is helpful) but you have the opportunity now to demonstrate just how productive your ideas can be. Hunting in the city can be fun right now if you make the right turn humans everywhere don’t forget to book that holiday vampire tours always work a treat and worry about paying for it when you get back( I am sure you will have quiet a few humans under your control to pay for it by then.)

Your lucky number is 97

Aquarius

Any part of your personality that is wilful or possessive could be exposed this week,(I am hoping its your ass-ets but hey what did you expect, I think half the city is too) for there are opposing forces determined to bring out the best or worst in you. So drink more don’t worry about the pub tab make the humans pick it up what else is charisma for? and the poles for dancing are over there on the bar no ones watching really they aren’t

Your lucky number is 88 or 36

W A T E R

Cancer

In the midst of a busy week try to find a bit of time to catch your breath, and a couple of humans to tie you over, or tie up. Consider priorities of a more personal nature. You cannot two time for much longer or you’ll get found out unless of course it is out in the open and then you can two time as much as you want. and even allow others to get all peeping tomish

Your lucky number is missing so go out into the bush and find it only remember this is a bird in hand better than two in the bush( depends where they sitting or what or where they are laying ,though doing it in the bush is always nice too)

Scorpio

Be prepared to provide a listening ear for those who need a bit of TLC or just a bit of 4 by 2 to smash them with I mean listening to people whine you’re a vampire you kill and ravage the innocent, listening is for social workers and priests., the healing powers of Scorpio are powerful. (so too are the killing powers) Just try not to nod off this time.

Your lucky number is 219

Pisces

Your charisma skills will be needed to give your partner or family member a much needed alibi. Hiding in dark back alleyways and getting those pictures you have are priceless when it comes to convincing others to remain silent even a interesting speaker knows when they have lost Your lucky number is 2 so find that other and hug them till their eyes pop out (hug is a Euphemism)