F I R E S I G N S
Aries Any day apart from Friday is a good day for visiting banks, on that day its best to leave your thieving fingers alone in fact you will be shunned by most of the city even humans are turning green in your presence it all leads to you needing to take your weekly shower. (Yep even your best friends sometimes won’t tell you. but me I am not your friend)
Your lucky number is 27
Your lucky colour will be the colour of the ring you leave on the bath.
Lager will be on special offer so those old and feeble vampires make sure you sit out side the bars plenty of drunks to pick off this week. Lucky fridge magnet: a rubber set of fangs
Leo People born in your sign tend to have distinct likes and dislikes, that’s why you annoy people and most of you have lots of scares and holy water burns, from them showing displeasure. Ultimately your fangs are sharper than you are so stick to the simple things hunt and kill humans and steal and bank. Just being the muscle in the group is a good thing, just don’t volunteer you might get hurt. Your lucky number is 37
Your lucky colour is not in the human spectrum good thing you can see infrared Lucky stationery: love heart envelopes Lucky lip balm cherry(looks real good on you big warrior you)
Sagittarius Where true love is concerned you are faithful and loving, particularly with a partner who is ready and willing to lend you money or dead. While the dancing is not so good the love making is simply fantastic. There’s just no position they wont try well till rigour mortis starts, then its like they found a position they like and wont move with out breaking appendages. Oral is most times out of the question now. Your lucky number is 1
Your lucky colour is that horrid grey colour dead bodies go after a while Lucky gift received air freshener.
E A R T H S I G N S
Taurus At present your ruler Venus is going through Capricorn (lucky Capricorn grins hands out the condoms), a sure sign that there is a lot of love and deep affection surrounding you (not that the noise from the bed room is not the dead give away). Your childer want more spending money sever them and see if they can survive in the world alone. Keep them lean and mean works best. Your lucky number is 14
Your lucky colour is black Lucky sauce: ketchup but its odd seeing a vampire put a little on the necks before they suck (guess it takes all sorts)
Virgo This is the week when your light will shine through to others. Put some nets up that light is attracting moths. Show the world what you can do be it pick up good looking vampires steal 100k show us your abilities let us bow down and worship you or roll around laughing on the floor. Step forward and be the leader you always knew you could be ‘..just be shy about raiding other clans on your first day as the boss. your lucky number is 2
Your lucky colour is pink
Your lucky underwear is stockings( yes stockings boys now aren’t you cute)
Capricorn This week you could feel inspired to take a chance with a new venture or perhaps its just that full feeling you have after you have eaten one too many Mexicans. Stand over tactics work a treat if you can find someone who’s scared of you. Its either that or you are going to have to try to be a door to door sales person selling quilted toilet rolls.(don’t forget Venues and heres the new condoms) Your lucky number is 13
Your lucky colour is mission brown
Lucky highway to kill hitchhikers is rout 66
A I R
Gemini You could be facing a difficult decision in the early part of this week. Black or black? While the black is a bit naff, the black is warm and inviting. Imagine sneaking up behind someone in your new black cloak and ravaging their necks. Better than sneaking up behind someone in the new black undies and them laughing. Let face it its been a while since you snuck up on any one. Your lucky number 10 Your lucky colour is azure
Your lucky condiment is salt
Libra Caution is needed when going about you normal killing spree. You never who might be watching or videotaping. Go wild and give something to talk about, just don’t be surprised if hunters show up at your door.
Your lucky website www.vampsgonewild.gov
Your Lucky poison cyanide
Your Lucky soup gaspacho
Aquarius You may be feeling that in spite of your best efforts to creat carnage and terror during the past months, certain areas of your unlife are unfullfilled. Upgrade your cape, get some fang enhancements. Or even better yet find that special someone and take them out for a night of grave robbing. You never know what you might dig up.
Lucky beer fridge: white with two shelves just enough space for that severed head.
Lucky grass: cocksfoot … tee hee
Lucky stamp: 1649-50 1c Vladd Tempest
W A T E R
Cancer Try not to lose contact with reality this week(yeah right as if you are going to break a habit of a century or more), look up a long lost relative and make them your slave. Learn something new perhaps singing might be your forte The singing vampire has a certain ring to it (no on second thought singing is out I have heard you in the shower its not good (yes I have been stalking you)) Your lucky number is 42
Your Lucky sausage: cumberland Your lucky tv character is Mr T
Scorpio More than ever now a feeling that you must get ahead (perhaps that nice looking human down the street wont need their head any more and it sure will look good hanging over your fireplace) Some how your talents have been overlooked yes talents you know the talent to cause mayhem and destruction its time to wield them like a chainsaw in Texas and show your strong leadership qualities but also your artistic side ice sculpture is your gift. Apply for the boss’s job. Your Lucky number is 200 Your lucky colour is blood red
Your lucky to be walking the streets don’t ask for more
Pisces This week be alert to what is going on behind the scenes (or for that fact behind the screens all that noise and moaning must be a pawn movie), It could be a golden shower or an opportunity to break out of this steal bite bank way of life you have fallen into to .Its time to begin something(perhaps a banana) which allows you to have the space and the seclusion to finally burry all the dead humans before the police come knocking or the health inspectors. Your lucky number is 64 Â½ just half of a 69
Your lucky colour is blue with a sort of shimmer Lucky hairstyle: will be a mullet now that’s a good look
ROFLMAO so should I start wearing cherry lip gloss instead of my usual strawberry?
Let’s get another round of Horrorscopes in here! I’m a Libra, by the way…