AQUARIUS Coffin repair, car repair, wardrobe malfunctioning(checks out the errr well), have you noticed recently how everything you rely on breaks down just when its past its warranty date .even those $400 sunglasses/handbag you just bought are all fucked up. Fun, or is it fate and her fickle ways ‘eh? Suck it up Aquarius your week has just begun and it sucks. Not only is it going to be bad for equipment (ok guys check out your equipment) But the city is going to come out and land on you like an elephant with way to much fibre in its diet. You don’t have a lucky number deal with it If you had a lucky colour this week its probably the colour of sunlight
PISCES Now would be a really good time to start some sort of art project. Finger painting in human blood is one of the more talented things you could door just cut their head off and enjoy the over spray. If you can’t deal with that obviously your not cut out to be a vampire so why not do them other things the Pisces world has to offer painting, drawing, scrap booking, knitting, crochet, etc. Don’t rule out the more adventurous art-crazy, either, like carving stuff with power tools the sound of humans screaming in the moonlight (Nothing brings a joyous tear to my eye like a well placed chainsaw between the thighs) or making electronic devices (don’t get me started on this one), It’s your week to go a little nutty in the creative realm, and you should take advantage of it before your inspiration diminishes. Most numbers are lucky this week but number 7 stands out Pink would be very unlucky for you
ARIES The good thing about you Aries folks is that you really don’t hold life-long grudges. After the first 100 to 200 years they just seem the diminish into smouldering hatred It’s kind of nice to see someone forget past transgressions. (forgive? Fuck that roast the fucker on the spit) On a lighter note your 10% discount on bricks and mortar from the big all night hardware store has arrived just in time for you to entomb that pesky vampire hunter. Now if you want to know about real grudges you don’t have to look past our Scorpio or Cancer friends and see how they deal with grudges, they will tell you who wronged their great grandmother, I kid you not.. This week, watch out for backstabbers who are going in for Kill Number Two. I don’t trust them, and neither should you. Lucky number is 13 Lucky colour is black so you can hide in shadows and well take revenge
TAURUS Everyone gets these weird financial nipples err ripples from time to time, where they either feel surprisingly on top of the money issue(hot and hard errr) or surprisingly (and woefully) behind the curve. (Yes I killed your bank manager and read your bank account numbers they look like crap). You’ve been in both of those places, and obviously it’s better on your psyche if you are moneyful instead of moneyless.(not to meantion hot and seditious when you gots cash) This week you might find that you’re moneyful for a short while, and moneyless for what feels like forever. The good news: there’s a planetary accountant who likes you next week you will have a huge idiot holding money with out banking I see 50k just for you this will bring a real relief to some particularly unexpected money issue(buying weapons is never unexpected grins) you’ve had. The bad news is that apparently the good planetary accountant is on vacation this week. Your unlucky number is 15 Your lucky colour is yellow
GEMINI No matter how many vacations you take, or adventures you have, there’s always a desire in you to see more, do more, know more. Know-It-All-Ism is a real Gemini trait, but because you’re so likable nobody really minds letting you pontificate and excitedly explain things but enough with your fucken slide shows if you don’t stop doing them I am going to knife you. Next time you decide on a vacation don’t take your camera or you will have to remove it from your arse. You will have to get more creative with your escapism perhaps you could start making snuff movies at least you being a vampire we know they are true and look at all these humans to choose from. Or perhaps a new real life TV program Big vampire where the contestants get killed when it gets boring. You can guess your own lucky number you know it all And unless you have green undies with pink polka dots you don’t have a lucky colour
CANCER Ya’ll, what the HELL has happened to the romance sector of our astrological lives? Is someone up there just MAD at us? Have we offended the God Raven Black, bringing about a kind of planetary hokey-pokey where every single romantic possibility is one foot in, one foot out (now I know some girls and some of the boys out there don’t mind a foot err), try to shake it off but don’t fall down! (Well some of you wont be able to sit down with out a pillow if you take my meaning) It’s been romance-free over here in Spinster/bachelor city, Now I know an address near obsidian and 10 where if you don’t mind a dose of crabs you can get your wang sucked or cookie kissed umm itch fixed I mean and a drink of blood for 50 coins. You best be wearing protection to be lucky And fly spray is very bad to deal with crabs
Looks like its going to be hot for Leo’s this week! Leo and Virgo are two of my favourite signs, aside from my obvious soft spot for all things Gemini.. Leo is feisty, fast-moving, always on to a new exciting things, or men and women and are good-naturedly lazy when comfortable. In fact Leo’s should check to make sure they have paid all their bills its never a good thing to have those human body parts stinking up the house or street just cause you didn’t pay the garbage man ‘‘…Again! This week is a good time to focus on your other talents and kick the lazybones in the arse. Learn a new talent join a choir imagine how many humans gather to sing become a siren (no I mean one of those vampires that lure humans away not a police car one). Starting a hot romance or reigniting one is always a good thing. Having a large supply of fresh humans wont hurt Don’t forget your you time everyone needs an emotional nap from time to time some times hard hot sex is the only answer. Your lucky number is threesome Your lucky colour is naked and pink errrrr wrong column.
Hello Virgo! Ya’ll are so mysterious to me, your ability to organize and do multitasking is second only to your ability to screw things up. Sometimes no one can tell that about you but you. I like the way you Virgo folks do things, just step up to the plate and smash the baseball bat across the enemy’s head simple, and straight forward. During this week you will need to curb that temper you have just slightly or there will be many many unsolved baseball bat murders on the books.. Don’t be afraid to confide a little this week let some in and close, you might get lucky and laid or just find a new stash of humans to munch down on. You can also show your venerable side, showing your true self to a loved one might get you laid or stabbed to death like a dog if they don’t like what they see. You will have 3 lucky numbers this week 3, 5,9 And the colour is orange not real scary on a vampire but it is defiantly memorable
LIBRA Dear Libra, Do not go careening down winding dark alleys in a fast car while under the influence of alcohol or during oral sex, it may just get you arrested by the police because I hid 4 bodies in the trunk of the car. Now I know ya’ll are thinking about going a little buckwild crazy right now, and not always looking ahead to the consequences. Some times these things are sent to teach us lessons other times Raven Black just takes a dump on our windshield remember sometimes swinging from the chandelier is good especially with foreplay. You need more weapons if you are going to sleep with your enemys wife or husband or holy water proof skin Your lucky number is three deep three shallow three real deep Your lucky colour is blue
SCORPIO All work and no play makes Scorpio so irritated and tired and annoyed horny trigger happy and ready. that at any minute ya’ll are about to fling off and snatch someone baldheaded or drunk or both or with hairy legs. I know that the work you’re doing is VERY good and important to the clan, family Martians, but you need to et go now and then maybe change hands .the whole period from about March onward has been exhausting, and kind of rewarding, several new deaths and the planned take over of that small South American county was well put together but still, you’re tired, and horny why cant you plan getting a guy or girl like you plan everything else. The only real good outlook for all this work was your bank account is busting with coins buy weapons soon. You don’t need a lucky number Your colour is obviously red
SAGITTARIUS My best friend from college was a Sag, She’s dead now I killed her on graduation night but I remember she used to tell me live love and take cash only. It’s a good set of rules to live our unlives by. I can see that whole swirl of memories as I drank her blood while raiding her coins such a sweet summer. Early this week you may need to kill someone you thought you loved, make it quick just to show you cared. Romance for you is where you can take it this week so get involved in swap parties or perhaps obsidian and 10 will get you some jollies. I’m warning ya’ll right now following the green humans is bad for blood count. If its nostalgia your after go look up college friends and kill them. Your lucky number is your phone number Your colour is green.
CAPRICORN If you are any kind of Capricorn at all, you have spent at least one day this week doing the following: thinking obsessively about your finances, thinking obsessively about killing humans, thinking obsessively about your place in the city, thinking obsessively about your love life.(last option is best or is it lust life) Or, perhaps, you have done ALL THESE THINGS and still, you have arrived at no solution at all, and you are ready to do any of the following: change your hairstyle both on your head and down stairs, go on a crazy shopping spree, smack someone upside the head when they look at you even a teensy bit crossways.(damn I would smack someone upside the head with a bit of 4 x 2) Ya’ll are maybe a wee bit on the tense side (kill suck blood or have sex all good ways to get that tenseness gone) Lucky number is 21 Lucky colour is naked
LEO Looks like its going to be hot for Leo’s this week! …Starting a hot romance or reigniting one is always a good thing… …some times hard hot sex is the only answer… Your lucky number is threesome.
God, I do love being a Leo! winks
Lord BubbleKnight Lord of the Orbenoir Dynasty Lovin’ husband to morganna :) Death Dealer of the Capadocious Clan