AQUARIUS It’s always a good time to take up a new sport, buy a new bag, sing a new song (oh when Satan comes marching in oh when Satan comes marching in how I want to be in his number) and try a new perfume. (ode dedeadhuamn is not so fetching after 10 months maybe take a bath as well) This is not a good time to trust a new love, or salesman, neither should you make strident accusations or get a daring haircut.(we love how you have the pageboy cut) Some of you have been out in the streets causing ruckus feeling all giddy and ready to rumble, don’t forget to take a bit of 4 x 2 just to beat home any that wont stay still. on a lighter note your most prized enemy has got a new hair cut and to put it mildly lets just say they are not going to make it to the front cover of vogue this or any year fast perhaps on the cover of what I did wrong with my hair. During the coming week humans will be plentiful near shopping centres and churches feel free to eat as many as you can Your lucky number is 1 Lucky colour is blood red
PISCES The word fuckwit is sorely missing from your vocabulary these days. Make a mental note to bring it back. As you will come across such an individual in the city soon probably before Christmas, or you have already met them. Its simple, it easy and you can form the words on your lips and every one knows. Yep fuckwit! Now then other than the very descriptive expletive I will continue on. Let’s talk about you the city and what not to be doing in the coming week. First up don’t go near large groups of humans running with pitch forks and stakes especially if they are carrying burning torches, well not before New Year. This also goes for entering a police station and yelling I am going to kill you all, what ever you do, don’t enter a old folks homes. Doing so will force you to encounter adult diapers, this is a very bad look, cause they will be full and probably just as deadly as stakes Anything else just do it During the coming week you will find it harder to rob vampires mainly cause you are drunk Your lucky number is 13 Lucky colour is blue
ARIES I suggest you declare yourself Queen of the City or perhaps Queen of the slum and parade for yourself up and down the streets (yes you guys to I know you look good in stockings).You have handled the year so far with little or no major issues arising (well aside from your wardrobe )with astounding fortitude. The coming New Year will make you feel completely inadequate, perhaps you should just go bake in the sun or chug a bottle of holy water or maybe a holy water IV. In the coming week you will find newfound energy and enthusiasm and it is sort of infectious (much like that rash on your genetalia). Your friends or clan will be brimming with laughter. During the coming week you will find you will itch Your lucky number is 44 (make sure its not a gun) Your lucky colour is boysenberry
TAURUS A recent RBC poll shows that 65% of Taurus girls are undecided while 75% of males are undecided. While we don’t know what they are undecided about it must be important. Maybe its auctions or whoring man whores of what ever. I am sure this titillating titbit has peeked your interest no end. Colour coding of outfits and weapons for war has hit a high point with Taurus. While it’s always been traditional for the hunters of the night to wear black or purple even dark red a new fashion statement has been seen traipsing through the city in garish pink spandex. One thing about it it leaves a smile upon the victim’s faces after they lay dead or zeroed at there feet During the coming week your undies will ride up and give you a wedgie Your lucky number will be 2 Your lucky colour is missionary brown (remember the wedgie)
GEMINI I’m part Gemini, I bet you didn’t know that Ya’ll, I’m a half-breed. So I can understand your headstrong and fancy free ways. What I am sick of is hearing you cant believe winter is here. Get over it already so you have to shovel snow of your crypt path, So the humans wear mufflers and scarfs. You know the worst thing about winter and cold humans let me tell you. Remember the ice-cream headaches and tooth aches you used to get when you would eat ice-cream, well guess what now you got extra long fangs just how bad it is with these fucken fangs. You slip your fangs into a human and gawd damn ice headache running up your fang into your eye. Is there any thing worse. During the coming week you will notice you are being followed don’t worry its just me Your lucky number is 14 Your lucky colour will be magenta
CANCER Something in your un-life is giving you cold feet – it’s possible that you have wedged yourself into this situation like an iceberg, and you simply don’t want to budge.( You think its the 20 evil looking vampires dogging your clanging with holy water nahh not them perhaps its just the black cat you crossed) You should rethink everything this week, be it joining a clan having a wank I am telling you its that serious (well a wanks always good to have up your sleeve). Perhaps you just need to find a basement and hide out till winter is over and thaw out your touchie. Or perhaps you could just face your fears and drink beer a bit of Dutch courage never went astray. Grow some balls I say big hairy ones. During the coming week your left foot will be larger than your right live with it Your lucky number is 29 Your lucky colour is white
LEO Your list of things to do this week includes a blonde a brunet and a redhead now in what order and how often it does not matter besides you will never know what sort of kinky sexual experience you might have just by closing your eyes and puckering up . So remember follow your instincts if its warm and wet kiss it or lick it or drink it. Who knows what kind of startling revelations and sexy close-calls you’ll have once you follow your instincts oh yeah remember the rhythm method (whos your daddy) I’d like to see you in a little less and a lot more raunchiness (not that I have been watching mind you but the leopard spot undies are hot) Don’t apologize to a single thing this week. Take the biggest helping, cut in line. You might find a little selfishness is a good thing. During the coming week you will be horny Your lucky number is 69 (horny I said) Your lucky colour is leopard spots (fucken hot)
VIRGO What’s a nice Vampire like you doing in a joint like this? heard this before perhaps in that pub or tavern Do you feel a little tainted by the proximity of so many unwashed uncuth vampires wanting to hump your leg? Perhaps you just need a my new range of his and hers antileghummping deodorant one quick squirt of holy water in there eyes an they get the message. So this week don’t lower yourself to carousing with the leg humpers come on out and join Pimpin Ain’t Easy with Medium muma Pimpin Pandrora and Big muma Pimpin Seyda if they cant get you a date that wont hump your leg no one can and that means your ugly During the coming week you will smoke after sex use lubricant Your lucky number is 13.7 Your lucky colour is slippery
LIBRA I’m so jealous! You have all the planets lining up for Libras this month, first, there’s Mars Moving into your Hot Mama house, and ya’ll have a full moon in your Shiny Happy House and Venus is un-retrograding just in time to hang out in your house of Pimpin Ain’t Easy house… now that’s Astrology Gone Right. Go ahead and indulge that g spot red velvet heart full of chocolates and more. Feel smug burn someone with holy water kill someone with your planets so aligned you cant loose.. Your hard work last week and given you a karma overload for the rest of the month lucky you and its stating to pay off, the rewards are part of the goal! And the goal is making sure you either score or kill or better yet both This week if you don’t get your leg over you are either lazy or just plumb dead Your lucky number is 69 and 181 just to make sure Your lucky colour is naked
SCORPIO When I was a little, my mother gave me only one piece of advice. “Keep your undies on.oh and make sure they clean” It’s advice you’d be wise to follow this week, since you’ve been taking off your undies left and right (good thing they clean), whoring yourself out at your job(sticks a $20 note in them undies), for your family, for your friends(hi glad to meet you am I your friend now), for people you barely know(does this sound like the auction or that new business Pimpin Ain’t Easy that Medium Pimpin Pandrora and Big Pimpin Seyda starting) . Yet you haven’t had one good Harry met Sally shudder all out orgasm for all your trouble. Perhaps you just don’t know how to get there or the map is pointing in the wrong direction. If all else fails keep your panties on. I love you. But the panties? Seriously. Keep them on if nothing else keeping them on your head will do. This coming week will enable you to whore around a hell of a lot more Your lucky number is 181 Your lucky colour is pink
SAGITTARIUS Car metaphors. Your wheels are turning. Your engine is heating up. Sure, in the cold and long winter months it may take more to get you going than in the sunroof-down-days of summer, but your motor just needs some hot boy or girl sitting beside you for some TLC.(that’s not tender loving care its touch lick and carouse) I know you have every intention of revving up the new year with your horsepower blazing, horns at the ready, map in hand.(damn sometimes guys need maps or at least directions and guys listen to them directions its better to here a a ohhh baby than a no left left left up no up is up dipshit) Big thing to remember here you still have the keys, you are in the driver’s seat, and the road may be curvy, but it’s a lovely view once you get beyond the full moon (full moon just like a peach you want to bite it). This coming week will see you taking them curves and enjoying the sights Your lucky number you don’t need one Your lucky colour is black
CAPRICORN Some incense, some chanting, some new-age mumbo jumbo boogie, and you’re off on a winter soul cleansing of unparalleled proportions. You know you want to do it throw them old photos and his or her stuff they left behind into the fire and burn them if that’s not possible burn the ex with holy water instead. Clearing the baggage out is like a spa in a health resort open yourself to a whole new way of doing things. If not just grab a sharp pole and stab humans it works just as well. Remember if at first you don’t get the realise you want throw another holy water when they move and then maybe 3 or 23 eventually it will be enough to purge them from your soul and house This coming week will see you spend big in the magic shops don’t just buy voodoo dolls ok Your lucky number with be number 1 Your lucky colour with the be the colour of holy watered flesh
pouts no purple daddy? Can I have purple just once? Please?
~twylyte SIE Attache to Matriarch Hesu ~eternally bound to Deek~
mussies page boy hair-do SADE?!? How did you know?!?
relsav SC white’s eternally