Dear Lucius: The Valentine’s Special Edition (2)
Dear Lucius,
We’ve heard that it was pure desire and love that brought you back from the grave… My love and I are determined to be the longest lasting couple in the city. As someone so strongly in love, is there any advice you could offer to ensure we hit this target?
Hubby and Wifey
PS: And to make sure his scary ex-wives stop meddling? ~the wifey
PPS: And to get the scary mother-in-law to stop attacking me? ~the hubby</strong>
Dear Wifey and Hubby,
My poor lovesick couple. I can’t advise you virulently enough against the dangers of love. It is a virus which worms its way into our hearts and souls, disturbs the delicate chemical balance of our mind. Love moves mountains (Damari!), love is everything, love conquers all (Damari!), love is enduring, love is all you need ‘ all you need is love (Damari!), love renders even the most cynical of us to grinning retards.
It makes you do weird, weird things, my friends. Not even the Vampires are immune to its power. For instance, if you happened to be in love with a goddess named Damari, you might compose an answer featuring her name prominently (Damari, Damari, Damari!) just in the hope that some kind of Grimoire would publish it. And that Damari would see it. And that seeing it would put a smile on Damari’s stunning visage, the smile that you live only to cause. A tribute to your true Love (Damari!) in a weekly column, preserved on a pulpy tabloid for all the world to see, the ink-spotish equivalent of writing her name (Damari!) in the sky.
heartfelt and deepest sigh
PS: The ex-wives shoul’Da mari someone else.
PSS: Call the mother-in-law Damari. She’ll choke and die.
I hope this helps,
Lucius Husband of Damari (Here, that’s 14) Solves all your problems instantly - or your money back!
Dear Lucius,
My girlfriend gave me so many gifts for Valentine’s that I feel bad for not having even one. What can I buy that means she’s my ‘true love’? Signed: Bugsy</strong>
Dear Bugsy,
That is a very personal question, but I think that ‘true love’ has somewhat blinded you to what your companion really feels.
Let’s have a look at her Valentine’s gifts along the week.
On the first day of Valentine’s your true love gave to you, an ‘adieu’ in a tranquil tone.
On the second day of Valentine’s your true love gave to you, two ‘bugger off now’s, and an ‘adieu’ in a tranquil tone.
On the third day of Valentine’s your true love gave to you, three anthrax letters, two ‘bugger off now’s, and an ‘adieu’ in a tranquil tone.
On the fourth day of Valentine’s your true love gave to you, four clobbings from her cousin, three anthrax letters, two ‘bugger off now’s, and an ‘adieu’ in a tranquil tone.
On the fifth day of Valentine’s your true love gave to you, five gangsters shooting, four clobbings from her cousin, three anthrax letters, two ‘bugger off now’s, and an ‘adieu’ in a tranquil tone.
On the sixth day of Valentine’s your true love gave to you, six slaughtered clanmates, five gangsters shooting, four clobbings from her cousin, three anthrax letters, two ‘bugger off now’s, and an ‘adieu’ in a tranquil tone.
On the seventh day of Valentine’s your true love gave to you, seven nation armies attacking, six slaughtered clanmates, five gangsters shooting, four clobbings from her cousin, three anthrax letters, two ‘bugger off now’s, and an ‘adieu’ in a tranquil tone.
And here the song stops. Which is a shame in a way as on the next week your ‘true love’ will be dumped by her new companion and she’ll ask you to come back home.
Who needs a Valentine’s gift anyway? Not her.
I hope this helps,
Lucius Solves all your problems instantly - or your money back!
Comments
Damari
grins madly Alright, that made me smile….
I love you Lucius and sometimes you come up with something like this that makes me want to laugh and grin and shake my head all at the same time.
Damari (The Stunning Goddess of a Starfish *laughs* *grins* *shakes head*)
Lucius
I live only to make you smile, my beautiful Starfish… and only think of you on two occasions: day and night. Happy Valentine’s, my love.
Lucius
Arsanga
starts having Moulin Rouge flashbacks for some strange reason… :P
~Arsanga ó Cionaoith~ Prime Minister of Clan Seraphim Eternally Bound to Murrz Ramirez