5 minute read

Infidelity. I would venture a guess that three quarters of the city has been affected by this somehow, as it seems to have become a pastime for some vampires in this city. The last few months have shown this phenomenon scattered throughout the city’s newspapers. This ‘pire severs their partner for infidelity. Other ‘pires killing lovers for it. Some paranoid that it may have happened to them’.others destroyed inside because they know it did. And yet others working it into their usual married routine as if it were reading a book or having a dinner date. After sitting back and watching several situations occur where the blame for said infidelity seemed to be cast in a bizarre fashion, I decided to go around and see whether the city is fucked in the head or if it’s just me.

The results? For the most part, the city is fucked and I am not crazy. In order to obtain this answer, I did what any organism lacking a heartbeat would do’I grabbed a notebook, brought enough goodies to bribe the females into answering and wore a low enough cut shirt for the guys to respond and headed out into the streets to get the opinion of a random smattering of the city. My research method consisted of waving chocolate and other goodies around while asking the following question, ‘Who is to blame for infidelity? The person who was cheated on, the person who cheated, or the person they cheated with?’ I then stood there with a hopeful smile and waited for the vampire(ss) to answer. As you can see, this is an extremely scientific study and I hope all of you can find satisfaction in my results. And if you don’t, I don’t particularly care anyway. So, moving on.

For the most part, the ‘pires questioned said that the partner doing the cheating is the one to blame. According to one of the ‘pires surveyed, ‘No is a very simple one syllable word and should be utilized. Besides, if you aren’t happy in your relationship, end it.’ Well, yeah. It’s not THAT hard to keep your pants on, and if clothing is that difficult, try the old aspirin trick. That sumbitch never fails. And if your partner is away for a small period of time, the gods made batteries and porn for a reason. Hey, I’m just saying’.

According to a few, the partner that was cheated on shoulders some of the blame as well. One ‘pire stated that if one partner is doing everything they should be doing to nurture a relationship, then the other would not want to cheat. Another said the same thing, but added that proper communication between the parties would have probably kept one from going astray, and so they would share fault. Yet another ‘pire stated that the partner that was cheated on is completely at fault if they are gone for a period longer than six months with no word or if they tell their partner that they are on a break or are leaving the city. Imagine that. Telling your partner that you’re leaving them and the life you’ve built together and they go sleep with someone else. Go fucking figure.

There were conflicting answers given as to whether or not the person who the cheating partner sleeps with should be held liable. One stated that they are because they shouldn’t be sleeping with married vampires, although this ‘pire admitted freely that a lot of our fellow kind in this city are a bunch of stupid lying bastards with a throbbing hard on for sneaking around. Another stated that it’s not that ‘pire’s job to police the marriage of others. A third stated the same thing, but said that if they are close to both parties in the marriage, then hands off.

So, the results of my scientific study are if you’re married, keep your friggin pants on unless you’re with your partner or you’re into that whole poly thing. If you DO cheat, expect to be severed or to have the living shit beaten out of you by your partner. For those of you assisting, you should at LEAST be realllly toothy at the very minimum. That might help cut down on some of this horseshit.

Speaking of horseshit, it drives me absolutely insane when one partner cheats on the other, and then grabs the razor blade and cries about how their bound partner severed them. GET FUCKING REAL. Allow me to give a personal example. Suppose I run off and cheat on my wife. Not only do I know that she’d sever me quicker than I could get the clothes I wore to cheat out of the laundry, but she would beat my blonde ass up and down the streets of this city for’well, forever. Would I sit there and whine because she severed me? NO! Would I run around and chase her around the city to try and make her talk to me and take me back? NO! Why? Because I was a big stupid fucking idiot that ruined the best thing in my unlife and I deserve all the miserable treatment that I get. At that point, I’ve forfeited my ability to yield the razor blade and try to create my little gossip coalition to make me look better. In fact, she would get her razor blade plus mine. So, in conclusion, if you’ve cheated, SHUT THE FUCK UP. You’re a useless waste of space, you deserve what you get, and quit your fucking whining. No one feels sorry for you! Well, except for that ugly bastard that you cheated with who isn’t good enough to get a real relationship of their own. But it’s not like you would ever make them legitimate anyway, right?

So, until next time, I tell the truth so you don’t have to’not like you planned on it, anyway.




raises an eyebrow Here’s hoping Seyda’s pen is mightier than the “sword”


Come on, tell us how you really feel.

Brutus of DOA


Well….I COULD have, but then it wouldn’t have been appropriate for this paper. wink