An Interview with Jauk

5 minute read

Velvet: Full name?

Jauk: Jauk Juggernaut Lokason, but I drop the Juggernaut in public these nights because folks get too liberal with greetings.

Velvet: Age?

Jauk: 378

Velvet: How long have you been in the city?

Jauk: Around 3 years

Velvet: Do you have a job in the city and if so what?

Jauk: Jauk: I co-own the Nitty Gritty and I also do various jobs for my clan, Yggdrasil.

Velvet: What’s your favourite zodiac sign?

Jauk: Well, mine of course… the others aren’t really important to me. Don’t do me any good that is. My sign is Virgo, incase you’re not a mind reader wink

Velvet: If you could be a plant, what would you be?

Jauk: I’d be a crazy multi-coloured one that spews the dust (and sharp bits) of rare gems at things that try to harm it. I’d be able to sprout legs and walk off to explore my surroundings. I’d smell horrid to deflect prey and hopeful pluckers, but best of all I’d last all year round and only grow in parts of the world where there are four distinct seasons.

Jauk: I might even be called “Jaukidisheodiousity,’ because that’s cool I think. nods

Velvet: What’s the worst chat up line that’s ever been used on you?

Jauk: Can I slap you in the face with my penis now or should I wait until I introduce myself?

Velvet: Smirks and coughs

Jauk: Actually, I made that up, but I couldn’t recall anything beyond “Hey, what’s up?” so I figured I’d go for the gold

Velvet: What’s the worst chat up line you’ve used on a Pire?

Jauk: Hey, what’s shakin’ bacon?

Jauk: I use that a lot, it’s really horrid, but it’s better than the plain old ‘hello’.

Jauk: I’ll have to think of something better for the future I think.

Velvet: Do you sleep in a coffin or a real bed?

Jauk: I sleep where ever I happen to be when I’m tired that’s dark and somewhat safe, though often time I wake up in places I don’t remember going to in the first place. I’ve got a bit of a habit if you know what I mean. Sniffles very dramatic like and winks many times

Velvet: Favourite place to pick up humans?

Jauk: Where ever the nutty homeless people are hanging out. The really interesting ones that talk to voices in their head and think the government is after them. It’s like a dinner theater really, watch the show and then have a bite. Smiles

Now for something naughty’.

Velvet: Necks, wrists or thighs for drinking?

Jauk: I prefer the more romantic approach. I take Kreacher along with me for my hunts and when we find a human I rip out their eyes and insert two straws. One in each hole as you may have already gathered. It’s a nice bonding time. And it’s very stylish when you insert umbrellas and nice decorations like that. I learn a lot from Fork n’ Cork. Nods

Velvet: Do you prefer being on top or bottom or something sideways?

Jauk: Is this about sex? Laughs loudly and turns red

Jauk: So is it? Bites nails

Velvet: Yes it is

Jauk: Oh okay

Jauk: I don’t like sex. I prefer to avoid all positions. nods assertively

Velvet: Every done it on a waterbed?

Jauk: I don’t ‘do it’ these nights. I haven’t in a long time; I like it better that way. I wasn’t very experimental when I did do it either, except that one time… but no not on a waterbed. Stutters I try to avoid ‘it’ at all costs

And the down right weird’

Velvet: Have you ever had a hallucination and if so, of what?

Jauk: Oh man, I had this CRAZY one about the Wizard of CoB and an alien named Iago. It was nuts and it’s a long story. I’ll spare you, it’s for the best trust me. Snickers

Velvet: Mode of transport… Car, cycle, clown bike, or horseback?

Jauk: Well, I used to have a tricycle with ribbons and a horn but Es Beacy ran it over. It was very traumatic. These nights I usually travel by foot or my donkey

Velvet: Has anyone ever suggested you might be slightly in need of therapy?

Jauk: Oh yes, many times. I only wish I could find the word in the dictionary to look up what it is. No ‘Tuhrapey is just not in any dictionary I can get a hold of. Is it made in China at least?

Jauk: I asked Santa for it for Christmas, we’ll see how that goes.

Velvet: Most coins you’ve ever lifted from 1 theft?

Jauk: Ummm, I don’t remember but I know it’s never been more than 50,000. I think more in the 10,000 range. I am a HORRID coin snatcher.

Jauk: That was a one-time fluke too, mind you, only happened once.

Velvet: Do you prefer full moonlight or dark nights?

Jauk: Dark nights. I find goggles are very entertaining and much more fashionable than you’d imagine. Only, it’s hard to find a good dark night to make use of night goggles in when you’re a vampire and you can’t exactly walk around with swimming goggles on all the time.

Velvet: What’s your favourite accent?

Jauk: German or any other language that requires a lot of spit. sighs and swoons It’s very attractive when they say my name correctly. You’ve really got hack up the AAAAAAUK in Jauk.

Velvet: Favourite method of offing humans?

Jauk: I like to convince them to do it. It’s a challenge sometimes, but with this new wave of Emo running rampant, it’s becoming all too easy. When I’m feeling frisky I may do it myself, but it’s not as rewarding.

Velvet: Can you say ‘she sells seashells down by the seashore 5 times fast?

Jauk: I can’t even chew gum and think at the same time, are you kidding?

Velvet: Anything you’d like to add?

Jauk: Yes. Everyone in the city should chip in and get me a new diamond ring for Christmas because I accidentally dropped the one my wife gave me in the city. It was very traumatic and I’ve never fully recovered. twitches

Velvet: Thanks for your time Jauk

Jauk: No problem waves and blows kisses her adoring fans…or just Velvet rather

Jauk: Would you like me to sign your boob?

What could I say to that other than ‘Oooh yeah please!’

Jauk: Feels special and important, slightly swelled in the head Ooooooh, hurray! signs in permanent black marker I’m Jauk Lokasons Bish!*

Jauk: Jauk Lokason*

Velvet Kiss