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AQUARIUS This is the week of long-lost-someone’s popping back into your life (much like those dud cheque you tried to pass last month) You can count on someone from the past popping up in an unexpected form in the next few days,(you would think once you killed them they stay dead, watch out for the zombies) The trip down memory lane will bring forth revelations of past glories and deeds and much drinking (which is not a bad thing)I’m fuzzy on the timeline but I can tell you this: it will stir up some weird inner emotional stuff. (I prescribe straight blood or a direct infusion of alcohol to make the trek easier! Or a baseball bat) interestingly enough, the weird emotional stuff won’t be all bad. In fact, it may have you looking back over the past little while with new eyes (and see who is really to blame for all your sorrows or joys) Your lucky number is written on the tag inside your new jacket Your lucky colour is luckly the new jacket colour And your hamster is dead

PISCES Like sands from the hourglass, so are the places of our lives. Some geographical region is calling out to you, obsidian and 99th, your wanderlust is getting to you in night sweats and daydreams (or are they just naughty wet dreams). I have never seen a vampire more in need of a vacation. Take the urge seriously and make a weekend getaway a reality(or just slaughter an entire family it works for me). This week has the planets just-so for a perfect Pisces diversion. Pack your bags, and some human snacks, I like those Russians and Ukrainians in little individual-sized bags, or! Just buy a lot of booze and veg out in front of the TV ordering in pizza guys oh! mmmm. Pizza guys Perfect for a Pisces vacation. Oh yeah. Your lucky number is either 4 or 19 or 419 might be 914 might be sun spots Yellow has always been your preferred colour A large dog will eat your home work ARIES Time to save early and save often.(this has a familiar ring bank and bank often) This is a wonky time, little Aries, when once-dormant financial warts begin to grow prickly hairs.(dear god let me buy you a rat to gnaw that wart off your chin for you). Lean times make you even more creative and wily, you crafty little vampire you.(sneak thieves rock) By the end of this month should see you out of debt’s dark shadow. Now if you use your talent for resolving dilemmas on yourself (instead of focusing all your problem-solving energy on you-know-who ok you know who I am talking about stop fucking with them and just hit them with a baseball bat) Think about the enemies you have and how good they smell when barbequed with holy water, kick back lay the deck chairs out and suck a few bevies. your luck ran out yesterday come back next week Blue is a colour you should stay away from and no your bum does not look small in those jeans Several snakes will take up residence in your house keeping the mice down but snuggling near you is creepy TAURUS I look at your end-of the week chart and all I see is ‘ feet. I haven’t had a great deal of time to ponder the meaning of this clearly significant sign. Feet. It can mean so many things! Begin walking? Walk away? Tired feet? Foot traffic? Foot soldier? Go shoe shopping? Foot the bill? Foot in mouth? Footsteps? Smelly feet ?Beat feet to the food court?(lots of humans there) Follow or lead? Ah, yes, follow or lead! . I believe this symbol can mean anything you choose - progress, change, or Roxy flip-flops in a Hawaiian print. But then again, I’m not standing in your shoes, and neither is anyone else. Good thing too with such smelly feet It could also mean your about to be stomped by some unseen force So how can anyone but you decide what is best for your own feet? You know your true direction, deep down, and you can trust your own decisions this week, and let others follow in your footsteps or lay under them. Maybe those footsteps will lead to cake. I do not know.(hmm blood cake) Your lucky number is 69 Your lucky colour is a pastel pink The magic beans you threw out the window grew last night now you have 14 giants living in your house farting and omg using your toilet perhaps your lucky colour is crap brown GEMINI I have had some automobile issues as of late. A large tuck filled with cucumbers landed on its side filling my automobile up with the green things. You, on the other hand, are having road issues. Well road issues is one way to describe it probably more speed and drug issues, to much drinking and driving and trying to hunt humans with a 2 ton car. leaves bloody splatter on the road and the sight of a vampire licking roads is just so naff.. But I love Gemeni folks, because ya’ll are always just one step ahead of the rest of us, unfortunately ya’ll don’t handle anxiety very well. The anxiety you feel right now over your future is only going to give you a headache and something akin to perma-PMS, so lighten up on yourself just a little bit and indulge your wistfulness by planning a sleep over at your boy/girlfriends place., don’t forget the chocolate body paint. If you cant find their house invite me over I will bring ummm blood cake Lucky number is 14 Lucky colour is emerald green Several of the neighbours dogs have hatched a plan to crap on your lawn this week perhaps its time to get some electrified plastic grass and give them a sore arse CANCER More UFOs appear to Cancerians than to any other sign in the zodiac. Perhaps your so damn evolved that you naturally attract intelligent life from other planets.(pity the same can be said for your friends cause damn have you seen your friends recently I have seen carrots with higher IQs) On the other hand, maybe crabs are just a little oversensitive and “see” things that aren’t there.(I think perhaps you have been smoking to many green things no not cucumbers) This is the dual nature of the crab. This week is shaping up to be a stellar week for crabs, and boy have you needed it. I think you should spend this month actively communicating with intelligent beings( or talking to the mirror). Instead of seeing aliens all around you, or trying to beam yourselves far away from the current situation (whatever it may be) , you ought to try seeking some vampire/human contact. Whether it’s in relationships (oh you saxy thang), career issues (kill your leader), the results could be out of this world. (Hah hah! Get it! Out of this world!) Your lucky number has tentacle marks on it a slightly squished number 8 Light purple like the colour of your friends skin Resistance is futile LEO Did you know that psychologists say it takes three weeks to break a bad habit? Biting your nails, killing your friends giggling like a wussy, lying to clan mates What happens on week four, though? Do you suppose the bad habit comes back from its vacation all pumped on steroids, double recharged and rarin’ to go? It’s a conundrum. Much like your week ahead: pressure feels most intense around sexual issues, but at the same time your outlook is better you have the opportunity to go both ways, and feel more secure than it has been in ages. Now is a good time to review some of your less-than-stellar habits farting in bed and missing the bowl and try to spend the next 21 days freeing yourself of just one. I’ll be interested to see how week four goes – you have both Venus and Jupiter on your side, rare and very good for you. Let me know in next month how it all works out. Your lucky number is 3 Your lucky colour is porcelain white You will probably drink to much and drive the porcelain bus VIRGO Predictions are clumsy animals. I always get the exact dates slightly skewed, which led me to believe the notion that perhaps your sign is actually determined at conception,(never a bad time) instead of birth. Don’t you often feel that your astrological prediction in the daily paper is, well, slightly askew? Not totally wrong, but not right, either. So, for the week, I backtracked nine months to give you a clearer prediction. But that was confusing as hell and I had one to many bottles of Tequila or maybe the limes where off, and I simply fell into befuddlement (drunken stupor) Then today, I was cogitating on this whole thing, and all I could think about was blood Chocochip ice cream, of which I have none. Final analysis: it is not wise to rely on astrology to make decisions for you especially if the astrologist has been sipping on a crate of tequila. You won’t need divinity this week you will need a large sword and a gun and rack of holy water! By the end of the week you will have every one at your feet or you will be zeroed either way is good for me. Your lucky number is 13 Lucky colour Silver At some point enough is enough but when you reach that point be it drinking or other wise you probably cant see or say those words so who’s going to stop you then

LIBRA Would you like a karmic massage? Something to soothe the pain of the past few weeks and make all your tension and worries disappear? I’d like to offer you some wish fulfillment, with easy monthly payments of just $19.95! And, free with purchase, you’ll get a valuable gadget capable of sweeping the knots out of your life, and out of your head batteries not included. But I am afraid I cant (well maybe a quick massage behind the bike shed )Which is – of course – the problem with quick fixes … they look like a bargain but end up being just another piece of limited-time junk you wasted money on that now sits mocking you and collecting dust, the best bet when the inevitable happens this week suck it up place your feet firmly at the batters plate, take a the bat and smash some the fuckers head in.. or get drunk Your lucky number is 11 Your lucky colour is grey At some point this week your going to have to be nice to someone. Somehow I think that you deserve that SCORPIO Drink lots of blood(some of you can drink lots of beer). Eat many vegetables the hospital is full of them and they don’t fight back(while Cheetoes, while orange and somewhat carrot-stick-ish, do not count as one of the five essential servings.) Limit salt intake. Blah blah blah. None of this will do you a damn bit of good when you’re reckless with your personal safety.(stay away from public transport the drivers union has joined the hunters in their training and you could get staked) The next 7 days are like a field of hidden landmines and holy water surprises if you don’t start taking care death is just around the corner. Caution is your watchword. Wear your seatbelt. Wear a condom. Wear panties (ok not on your head dip shit). The best advice my mom ever gave me was “Keep your panties on!” and that goes doubly well for Scorpios this month. You’ll have more opportunity than usual to get into a pickle, or a pickle into you so keep your eyes open for well-lit emergency exits. Oh. Pickles! mmmm.(ok im sick) Your lucky number is 2 Your lucky colour is lilac If I was you I would sneak into my friend’s apartment and stay for the week SAGITTARIUS You are the sexiest sign of the week. I hereby declare you positively seductive. You ooze and exude a self-confidence that is simply irresistible (well all except you at the back with the skin complain go see a Dr Now it’s putrid). Believe that you are a nice girl/boy in a bad girl/boy body and picture yourself driving your own clothes wild with abandon. Now, recite seven times, “I am a temple of purity and goodness.” Oh yeah. Ya’ll can tell I grew up in the buckle of the Bible Belt, full of crazy wanting and the constant threat of sin.(if your farking hot you know it I am to sexy for this shirt to sexy I am to sexy for this skirt too sexy). It can be so good to be so bad! Rebel against the old you this month, and relish your contradictions.. Good taste. I am so tasty I could gnaw my own arm off right now. Tasty! And your hot too Your lucky number is any motel room number your presently in Your lucky colour is I am not sure what is the colour of the bedroom ceiling Getting down and nasty will leave you with a reputation something to aspire to NO? CAPRICORN This week is all about blazing hot romantic romps , you’re a whirling dervish of energy, a mad smash of activity, an entire Mars Bar of fun! You are a snack attack this month, and you’re energy level is unprecedented. You need to talk! Share your vision! Your excitement! Your absolute clarity with the world!(just watch out some of the more dower and moody vampires near you don’t stab you to death just for being you) Why won’t they heed your advice? Why are they such idiots? Why are they so stupid? Who cares! You’re cool! YOU ARE CAPRICORN. Hear you ROAR. Or… what is it that goats do? Do they roar? WHO CARES! YOU ARE CAPRICORN. You can ROAR if you want to! You’re so lucky you don’t need numbers or colours 9 out of 10 of the physiatrists believed your story about all those peoples suicides and why you were covered in blood the 10th one managed to escape didn’t he well while he’s running the police will have to believe your new thralls