Dear Lucius

2 minute read

Dear Lucius,

Could you tell me what happened to the once so feared Church of Blood with a few words? Signed: Cerridwen</strong>

Dear Cerridwen,

In a few words…

The End. Meltdown. Period. Apocalypse. Finish. Massacre. Termination. Punch line. Final. Heat-death of the Earth. Kaput. Armageddon. Finita la commedia. Death. All dead. All gone. Game over. That’s it. Adieu. Goodbye. Sweet dreams. See you. Hasta luego. Poof. Black hole. Vanish. Burp. RIP. Complete. Adieu. Ciao. A human as viewed from a satellite in orbit. Earth from a galaxy far far away. What happens to the cat when it’s in the hat. The total IQ of the average Ravenblack Grimoire reader. What Pavlov’s dog had in mind. The Big Bang before itself. The one and only perfect truth. The beginning of a circle. A modern art piece without its manual. Where the umbrellas go when they die. What a mirror sees when it looks at another mirror. A silent scream in an empty room. What you can observe through the wrong end of a microscope. The definitive vanishing point. A lake on Mars. A target for a myopic sniper. What we know about women. The complete rules of how to deal with sunburns when you’re a vampire. What happened when half the Dark Alliance went blue. What happens when you’ve got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it’s dark, you’re wearing sunglasses and you’re not a Blues Brother. What happens when you have no cigarettes, no coffee, you’re waking up and you’re me. The answer to your prayers. Your bank account. A deal with Capadocious. A threat from Archangel. A proposal from Ophelia. A leadership lesson from Unicorn. What powers epona’s brain. Vapourware. The average vampire’s electrocardiogram. The ultimate error message.

I hope this helps,

~Lucius Solves all your problems instantly - or your money back!



2 to go actually.

Factually incorrect as usual Lucius, but then again, why let the truth get in the way of a good story. Isn’t that the motto of this paper?? ;)

sangfroid Luminary Sanctuary of Immortal Enlightenment


Geez, there’s no pleasing you, people. You’re not in the News section here. The facts and reports department is right over there, between the lonely hearts’ desk and the oblituaries’.

You’re here in the realm of sarcasm and absurdity. “Dear Lucius” is a weekly column. I post every Monday, and look it’s Tuesday and I was right. I may not be a journalist but I do read entrails quite well.

Oh, and while you’re there try to figure out what happened to my last month’s paycheck. Thanks.


I thought you had a thicker skin than this Lucius. sangfroid


My skin is soft and silky smooth. But all those skin care products can cost you a bundle of money… now be a doll and go get me that paycheck.


Dear sangfroid,

Lucius is quite correct, this is a sarcastic and at most times caustic “advice” column, NOT the “news”. You’ll find that in the “news” section where it belongs. Imagine that. One would think Lucius’ dripping sarcasm which is wanton, abundant and vicious throughout the majority of his posts would be rather painfully obvious to even the most obtuse and vacuous. Alas, it seems this is not to be…. :P

“Kind” regards, Aahzmandius