AQUARIUS Yes, it’s true. It’s October 31st well nearly; all you vampires know what that means? Fucken kids knocking on your door screaming for candy (no I didn’t say Candy sheesh even if your sister was still alive she would be 93 and parts of her would be scraping the floor but I digress). there is one good thing about it, even you ugly vampires and monsters can walk upon the streets of the city with out being ridiculed (well maybe not you in the back row). Luckily for you there are a bunch of really technical things going on in your chart that I won’t bore you with. But they’re Good Things, as Martha would say. Travel things. Telephone things. Exciting things. BLOOD FILLED THINGS (hmm blood and witches and all things that deal death so dreamy) You think that time is speeding up, and we’re travelling too quickly toward some unknown destination (unknown bah it’s the bank you just stole 200K run run run I say) IF your unlucky this week lick a witch Your lucky colour is orange PISCES John Morton defined a prodigy as a “child who plays the piano when they ought to be in bed.” Me personally I think the kids are up because they are scared of what’s under the bed, and with saying that I know what’s under the bed and its you. Now saying that you are the ultimate stalker is an understatement. If you look closely in the vampire’s dictionary of big words (yes the illustrated one) right beside the word stalker is a picture of you licking a knife covered in blood or was it chocolate cake batter. This week will see you filled with being creative be it in the bed room or out hunting or perhaps it was hunting in the bedroom. not only that but you will be driven, passionate and prone to insomnia. Well of course only at night like a good vampire. On a brighter note you will enjoy this 31st October for several reasons mostly due to the parties you will go to. Supping on an endless steam of humanity (just makes a old vampire teary eyed I tell you) Broom sticks are for flying on not for house work any one tells you differently stick it up their arses Your lucky colour would be fluoro green like your undies ARIES Confession time. I totally hate writing the Aries hor-o-scope each month because of one of my X’s, an infamous Aries. Each month, I secretly hope to look at the charts and see that Aries will be involved in a freak monkeypox epidemic, TOO BAD SO SAD. But I’m trying really hard to turn my bitter psychic frown upside down, so I will start November 1) making the aforementioned confession and 2) assuming that the. X, being an alien, is not really an Aries after all and ergo 3) I can now tell you your forecast without the monkeypox element.(well ok I lied I love the monkeypox elements just don’t spread it around ok no I mean it see a Dr) Here goes: You have two big eclipses this week, both are super lucky and bode well for luck, happiness and relationships. or perhaps it was lots of death an mayhem (damn monkeypox) Lots of smiling! Lots of happiness! Good things all around you, banking is up your blood makes is making you a bloodgod but your arse is not big in those jeans truly its not! Except for the. X. WHO IS EXCLUDED FROM THE GOODNESS. Ok? I wonder if the kids playing trick or treat understand they will be your treat (young fresh blood ohh glorious blood) Your lucky number is 13 the exact number of children you need to eat this night TAURUS The end of October is sort of the trailer-trash week of the month, when black cats are spooky and black fishnets are tres chic. You don’t need to be over-cautious this week – what you went through last October is absolutely not going to repeat itself unless you allow it.(or unless you really like the whips and the chains not to mention the cuffs oh baby cuffs) Yes, I am totally psychic, OK? See, history teaches us things. Like how even old powerful vampires can be stupid and make bad decisions and haunted houses are fake (see I told you the ghost house at the fair was fake and the ghost train ). Fake I tell you! That plate of squishy stuff is not brains! The real brains are in your head, where your decision making skills are. And you now make good decisions, and you will be rewarded for this in the next week. Fishnets optional ( but you can not get away with out the cuffs) Your lucky to have not lost the cuffs key Lucky colour is cream (whipped cream). GEMINI Have you ever wondered why humans paint their cars such drab colours – tan, mauve, khaki, maroon? No me either Seeing as you and I are Gemini and of vampire kin. If you were a car, we would be driving through October as BRIGHT NEON MAGENTA or maybe smooth cosmic orange. You’d have as many colours as there are trendy martini names, and you’re so HOT PINK all week, no one can resist your charms. Everyone wants a look at Gemini or be with you or give them selves to you damn what a fine week we are having and it can only get better with All Saints Eve they will be falling all over you just to get bitten. You’re ON FIRE ( no I mean your on fire sitting to close to the fireworks will do it every time).Your time in the city this week will be filled with ups and downs and robs galore remember to bank and get lots of candy in no telling who you might be able to kidnap off the streets Lucky who needs lucky when your So hot Colour we did colour in the main lets get down
CANCER FINALLY. The stars and planets and the moon and all that other junk swirling around our cosmos is aligning just so, making October a really neat-o-fragilistic month for Cancerians.(either that or there is still lots of space junk still floating around up there and confusing my reception) you will be pretty, and happy, and – say it isn’t so! ‘ you will be tentatively optimistic this week. I can see it now all your enemies will get the blood diarrhoea and be as thin as someone with an eating disorder but there arses will look big in those $300 jeans Wahoo. Does it get any better than that? You will feel pissed that October is nearly over already but damn All Saints Eve will rock your world. With time rapidly marching on you need to re priorities your world and self. No longer will you just go along for the ride you want to be driving the car over the edge and keep going. So now the mantra will be ‘I AM SO READY FOR A GOOD MONTH’ and if you say it enough believing you can change yell out to the universe “Give us happiness! We need it!” and the universe will respond with, “All right! Stop your whining! Happy! Happy! Happy it is!” (if you believe this I have a bridge in New York I have for sale) Lucky number is 666 the number of something Your lucky colour will be grey LEO Healthy self-expression and obsessive exhibitionism are two entirely different things. One is fun and will get your friends the other is what artists do and no one likes to see self-expression specially if its healthy. Get carried away with flaunting your backside now that you have this sudden infusion of self-confidence (besides it’s a very cute backside not only that but it draws food to you like a flame with moths). Your influence and power grows exponentially do not infuse it with self-restraint restraint is for lesser beings. The need to bulldoze over the humans in the zodiac just because you’re feeling particularly brilliant is the best way to go. Don’t forget you have no peers you are vampire Being obnoxious come natural, let it lead you to stir the enemies of our blood up so we can crush them Your lucky colour is black and blue just like the colour you leave the enemy VIRGO There was a young Virgo who lived in a shoe, they liked to go shopping and so do you. Beware of Visa, and MasterCard and the blood American express card accepted in all places (wink remember the baseball bat and your fangs it’s accepted everywhere), too, overcharging right now is the worst thing to do!(well unless its someone else’s card) If you do go shopping and spending and buying, It feels so good and the tinkle clank of holy water at your side feels so good (get me a bucket of water I am over heating just thinking about the weapons sighs) . Your luck will change and a rich cousin will leave you much moolah. I didn’t say they died of natural causes or that they re wrote the Will in blood (makes me hungry just thinking about it oh has any one seen my uncle Bill around heheh) LIBRA Never underestimate the power of creative slouching. Slouch well, and slouch often, that’s my motto. But no loafing, or dull dissection of every boring night-to-night detail. You’ve been wearing the creativity condom for far too long, better to just be done with it, rip it off!(yuck sits like showering in a rain coat man) Let yourself be impregnated with vitality or impregnate vitality ! And music and painting and dancing and singing! (Not sure vampires can impregnate they sure as hell can kill though) By the way, we’re talking in metaphors here, so go getting frisky without proper just avoid the brothels on obsidian and 4th them hookers (yes boys and girls look like they are zombies) protection … you’re also kind of virile this month. Hey, don’t blame the messenger… I just call it as I read it. Your lucky and will get lucky as long as you have coins in your pocket SCORPIO Depression is interesting only because it’s such a powerfully artistic experience. It can be a way for you to figure some serious stuff out, like who you are, and why you ponder your navel as you do.( it can also be a wonderful source of storing up your anger then snapping in a killing rage damn I need a bucket again sighs all those words killing rage damn get me some ice) It’s not always fun to be the serious one, but I think this weighty, ponderous Scorpio stuff can be really sexy, and will probably get you laid especially around the holidays. With the 31st nearly hear, indulge your sweet tooth with copious Halloween candy and just pretend to be in the mood. not only will it be sweet but it attracts the kids fresh blood and candy or fresh blood from Candy Lucky is just mostly good timing Your going to need new undies after the 31st either that or you are stealing someone’s undies SAGITTARIUS This whole cycle of procrastinating and readying yourself and waiting for your life to begin needs to stop, and stop right now.(your life changed when you died and rose as the living dead get over it) IT IS TIME. There will be millions of tomorrow’s and each one will be better than today, well unless you sit on your arse to long and wither away so do something with your life! Make a list of ten things you have been dreading (like calling for a dentist appointment yeah that’s scary dentist will probably want to fix your fangs or getting you’re a bikini wax or for the guys a back sack and crack wax ouch ohh my shudders ). Make a commitment to get all ten things crossed off during the last week of October.( cleaning all those bodies under the porch needs to be on the list too mainly due to them blocking the front door and scaring the kids on the Halloween) Then reward yourself with one big fat selfish day where you indulge your every whim, blood chocolate yum Your lucky number is 3 Dating is something you need to do
CAPRICORN If you don’t go out and have at least one wild night of hedonism and fun this month, I’ll just give up on you and call you a hermit. Stop feeling so self-conscious and in control, and start going out and feeling the pretty prettys out on the streets who knows going out might get you to go down (err opps) so there. We like you because you’re smart and funny and real and you can light a blue flame from your arse is one of the best part tricks we have seen. Stop trying to know everything your spies cant get in everywhere so just be happy with the places you have got into .On the days you try to compare yourself to me and fall short I suggest mini-golf, with lots of cheating.to make your self feel good Or silly hats. Or blood Jell-O for breakfast. This is October – Halloween! Have some fun, why don’t you? Fun! Have fun fun fun ‘til your daddy takes the T-bird away! (hmm whos your daddy) 6 under par on a par 4 mini golf hole just means your real good
Plaid looks good on you! No really it does
……Your lucky colour is black and blue just like the colour you leave the enemy…….
can I make them purple instead? smiles sweetly at Daddy sade
~twylyte SIE ~eternally bound to Deek~