AQUARIUS Online shopping. Email. TV. The radio they listen to late at night. It’s all a huge conspiracy to keep you poor and your blood low, I tell you any one would think the humans know there are vampires out there and they are staying indoors. Even when you ring for pizza, they have your number on bar. Perhaps its all the missing delivery humans, and when you finally get through to a pizza shop they want you to pay online they tell you delivery is out of the question in your part of town. A conspiracy I say. As to your social life you need some real-life TLC or perhaps someone to kill. Gooey kissing and schmaltzy hand-holding with puppy dog eyes is really good for the complexion.(and so to is bathing in the blood of innocents) Of course, you are too well-mannered to slurp in public.(well take it from me slurping in public is always hot) But I suggest you venture out this week and start making some eye contact. Bedroom eyes suit you. I keep mine on the dresser beside the bed
Your lucky number will be 19
Your lucky colour is green
And you need a breath mint
PISCES Oh, to be you. The golden halo of happiness is almost yours – it is within reach! I’d be envious, but I know how hard you’ve been working to just get through those human bodies and Damn it!!, you deserve it. Not to get too Oprah on you or anything, this is one of those karmic times when you’ll really start getting back what you’ve been putting in and out, so do not let your reputation bite you on the ass. Fix it now. Might I just suggest you share a little of the wealth? (with me)It’s easier than it sound – when happiness comes your way bite it, it is yummy with Ketchup, simply don’t go stingy on the smiles, fangs are wickedly sexy, and ego-strokes and other types of strokes looks all shifty that those around you need from time to time. Flattery, as it turns out, gets you everywhere
Your lucky number is 33
Your lucky colour is black (gee hard to guess that)
Showering regularly will stop those terrible rumours about you being a zombie
ARIES The answer to the following question is of paramount importance to you right now…. Would you rather be known as the smart one or as the pretty one? Be honest. Here’s the thing … we all want to be both smart and pretty hell, we are vampires we are all smart and pretty, unless you are a guy and then you are smart and wickedly handsome looks smug , and we are rich rich too, and also SKINNY look at the most recently deceased as an example The truth is that you can be both, and we are, but only because pretty is done with charisma and skinny is accomplished with a lot of HW. your lucky number is 181
Your lucky colour is midnight blue
Being rich gets you the girls/guys and the pretty clothes but so does brain power and slight of hand
TAURUS Mental French kissing. Intimate, but doesn’t go too far.(sounds a lot like phone sex to me with out the vibrating phone. lets just say dull) Nothing chaste about it, but still …. you haven’t crossed the line(lose the phone somewhere below the belt? errr). Someone in your life is trying to push you too hard, too fast(easy answer to that is push back while driving a 18 wheeler or at the very least a mini minor) but I think you’re in a good place for now. Don’t worry so much about keeping up with your peers,(your peers you have no peers just slaves and wanabees remember you’re the power ) and every one else is all pretty screwed up anyway and they envy you and would swap places with you in a heartbeat. Promise!
Your lucky number could be 3 or 11
Your lucky colour is blood red
being a vampire means never having to say sorry to humans
GEMINI Blood and sex overload! Make way for words and numbers and sayings and reading and books and facts and oh my. When then Hell did we start acting like players in a Harlequin romance? You know that urge to run, run like the wind? I have it too. Just because I have a problem with all the humanity around me lately.(lucky me, my moon is in Gemini!) Let’s embrace the maim, torture, kill vibe (sure, some people call it “frightening” or “scarey” … what do they know? Could it be that they have actually seem my dungeon room?) Forget about coupling up under a full moon, and instead bask in the orange glow of a well-basted human over a burning spit and some good friends. With what you’re going through right now the last thing you need is to try to distract yourself with romance and love…
Your lucky number will be stamped into your forehead 666 is so becoming
Your lucky colour camouflage green
Being sneaky comes natural to you. you don’t need any practice at all
CANCER Temptation…Enough said? Yummy everything … tasty romance.. OOO humans that come in sets of two, delicious treats… green wrapped bank deposits, scrumptious opportunities… such as that vampire in bright “rob me” yellow, delightful new doors… not that sucky hidden one that does not go anywhere anymore, the path not yet ventured down is calling out to you so that you can grab some of the humans that travelled down it get lost on the way to grandma’s house. Interesting, since you usually despise change… but like those shiny coins that come out when you rifle through their pockets. But something about the holiday whirlwind and the crisp air is making your adventurous side bubble up with anticipation. Bottom line: candy is good and candy covered human is better. Take it from strangers, or steal it, or eat too much of it. Dive in!!! It is good for you.
Your lucky number is 24
Your lucky colour is pink
Dreaming of a blood red Christmas is far better than a white one
LEO Ew, you have the ghosts of your past swirling all around you. All those dead humans and a goodly number of the vampires you have killed all come to haunt you. (looks to me like a family get together) It’s a reflect-on-the-past and your past is long you’re an immortal remember. What does this mean? It means your dwelling in the past to fucken much move on make new history kill more Your fears about the future won’t be solved by avoiding to plan for it.(always bank and always make sure the enemy is dead) tonight when you go out wear heels not flats (yes you guys too) as you could get your butt kicked. might as well look hot going down in a blaze of glory (sighs going down is always good well nearly as good as feeling up)
Lucky number is 69
Lucky colour is puce
Being bad comes natural and you’re the most natural vampire I know
VIRGO A Virgo friend of mine recently complained that last week’s horror-scope was rather unappealing. I decided to make it up to you this month by reading your House of Usher, a little-known Tale of the darkside. First, you will begin making plans to travel. You need to book this ahead of time. You know those dark and dreary forest are hard to come by at this time of year. Next, you will realize that the mantra of this decade is “I Don’t give a Damn!!. You want to go NOW. So you eat the travel agent, find her computer password under the keyboard, and book your own trip. Explore your demented side by being picky in a possible romantic situation mid-month. Tell him you want to be in a secluded Gothic House with a hidden basement in which to lay torturous pleasure on him/her and don’t hesitate to do some serious pre-holiday shopping. Manacles and rattling chains are fun purchases. Finally, Truths are harder to see right now, but they are worth seeking out especially when you are reading the entrails of the victim to divine your future. See? That wasn’t so bad.
Your lucky number fuck it you don’t need no stinking lucky number
Your lucky colour is lilac
Shaking your bootie comes natural to you I like it
LIBRA Songs hold lots of philosophical wisdom. For instance, you just can’t argue with “I want it my way” or “Mr. Sandman, bring me a dream” or “People of the world, spice up your life!” ok and don’t forget
My milk shake brings all the boys to the yard, and they’re like, its better than yours, damn right its better than yours, I can teach you, but I have to charge
Was there ever such magical truer words ever spoken. Ever noticed how just a little groove can get your whole frame of mind to shift? Much like wearing fancy lingerie under an everyday pair of jeans,(or none yum) turning up the volume on your life (musically and literally) can remove you from that rut,(or perhaps just kill someone) even if only temporarily. It’s your mission – should you choose to accept it – to shake up your own rut this week. Slutty underthings and cheesy Spice Girls songs optional.
Lucky number is 99
Lucky colour is brown
Some times romance is the answer me personally I like good old hard rutting
Imagine someone sends you ten thousand coins. It isn’t quite enough to buy all them weapons you want or to quit and live on easy street sucking on bought in humans, but it’s just enough to get in touch with your benefactor and hunt them down slaughtering them and taking their cash (if they can give away 10k they must be loaded easy street here we come) remember to spend it wisely. A spending spree in the wrong part of town might bring pleasure but also disease, perhaps that porno collection you have always wanted of celebrities gone wrong. Ok, you’re not getting rich this month. But! You do tend to be a little obsessed with money right now, and creative visualization of this kind will help you get your priorities straight. You have two choices be frugal and keep the money for a rainy day or splurge and live life large (if you’re doing the later my phone number is 1800idrinklots) either way, you’ll be thinking about Retail Therapy, and … well. It’s got the word “therapy” in it, right? So it must be good, right?
Your lucky number is 3.1415926535897932 Pi hmm pie blood pie damn makes you hungry
Your lucky colour is cream (goes well with the pie)
Eating to much pie can be bad for the waist line but fuckit you’re a vampire ( an no its not American apple pie the movie you naughty disgusting human)
SAGITTARIUS Platitudes. Like “Healthy, wealthy and wise” or “An apple a day keeps the doctor away.” Have ya’ll noticed that you’re just surrounded by platitudes lately? Too bad it is not platinum… we only have gold in this here city. Nobody seems real anymore. Yeah, but then again we are vampires the only thing that is real for us is how much blood we can suck a human dry for and where our next rob is. Boredom will strike this month since this is your time for naval pandering as your birthday is near. Get those sailor boys/girls to actually earn their pay this by being your slaves for the month. It is your B-day, splurge a little. Rest up, and pay special attention to your healthy habits. Military makes a much healthier snack then those chat pyres in the ghetto, or you can look forward to whines and cries late in the month as they consider themselves the epitome of vampirism and you have to wack them down a few rungs. Cheer up! It’s fun to splash the GS at them but stay down wind, you do not want to damage your own complexion. Wash your hands a lot. You know how hard it is to get all that blood off …or better yet, have one of your new found slaves lick it off for you.
Your lucky number is 2
Your lucky colour is off brown
Burning vampires laying dead in the street these are some of my favourite things
CAPRICORN Have you ever seen the magazine horoscopes that list your “best” and “worst” days of the upcoming month? On the “best” days you’ll be sure to find true love, win the lottery, and get a great haircut. No wonder the human perception of beauty is so distorted that our charisma works on the weak, but on those “worst” days, when you should stay in bed while your true love sleeps with your best friend, your boss threatens to fire you, and you get a can’t get a rob to save your life, then shine those sparkly fangs and show them who the real “boss” is. But I have to warn you to be prepared for unsightly happiness for one shimmering July day near the new moon. Due to time zone changes and the international date line dilemma, I am unable to predict the exact date. Mostly because I do not venture out during the day. Things are going to line up in Capricorn and and you’ll get one of those mysterious days when everything just clicks especially those manacles that we love so much as their death toll rings in their perfect ears. Small price to pay for vengeance. Agreed?
Your lucky number is 1
Your lucky colour is purple
You need to change your undies turning them around and inside out more than once wont work