horror scopes (not for the faint of heart)

9 minute read


You will lose your job this week, but don’t worry; (what do you think you are doing working damn I mean your a vampire right?) take a look around there will be help from a large group of people.(who either want to zero you or want help to zero someone else) Money won’t be as tight as you think that second job as a whore is working out for you). Not only will you be getting unemployment payments, but a rich relation will pass away unexpectedly (giggles vampire right unexpectedly right), and because of the years of sucking up, they have included you in their will. You will develop a taste from humans with coke habits. You then will win a couple of million at the Casino, The tax man hunts you down, because you haven’t payed tax in several years, and tries cleaning you out.

Lucky Numbers: 3, 17

Yes your arse looks good in those jeans good enough to eat


You will find that most vampires start to hate you this week. In fact one vampire will hate you so much that it “turns” into a crush. They will stalk you till Wednesday. They will also send you love letters, photos lurid fantasy stories presents, and parts of their own body.(so where’s the coin tell them to send fucken coin) When they work out that your not interested, they will kidnap your sex slave human, and hold them against their will (better than being held against their willy) while demanding that you marry or at the least preform oral sex .no not on your self )them. Naturally you freak out, And get your clan to slaughter them. The Clan storm the building and save the day, but at what cost? The Stalker has cut up your sex slave human’s pretty face.(I guess kicking them out is the option or just trade them in for a new human)

Lucky Numbers: 88,8, 888


This week is dark for you; there are no meadows of flowers, and no puppy dogs. You will be in a car crash this year, resulting in the loss of limbs.(for others yes) Shock will turn to glee , when you find out that your worst enemy was killed in the accident, and that it was your fault.(this in no way is a bad thing other than you not being rally able to dine out on the story. But I am sure you could change it to not being an accident and being actually planed ‘..Who know drinking that much booze would affect you’re driving) You end up on talk show TV, and with several other vampires who are finding out that their lovers are actually washing machines or vacuum cleaners (you would think the veracious sucking would have been a hint no? or that real good spin cycle), See going home drunk is not always a good thing.You live out the rest of the week as the laughing stock of the city known as the vacuum dater.

Lucky Numbers: watermelon (what its not a number so sue me)


People will like you this week (did you change your deodorant or just shower). You will then start to feel self important. One night, you and your new friends will go to a Karaoke bar, where they will praise your voice and tell you to enter Idol. You do. On the final night of Idle, where you have had nothing but praise. Not a bad word is said about you. Your one of 2 people left when the worst accident in telecommunications history happens. Power at a exchange is out for most of the night, resulting in you not getting many votes. During the live results show, people are shocked to find out that you’re kicked from idol. Unable to process the bad news, you go crazy, and you snap the spines of all the judges and the winner of Idle. Now you are remembered for not your great singing but being the vampire who killed Idle. (and for that your name should be praised and you shall be hailed as Prince/Princess of the City).

Lucky Numbers: 181. 32, 68 1/2


You will win the jackpot in Lotto end of the week, and things will be pretty sweet. Life couldn’t get any better. With Mars entering your sign in the late part of the year, it will bring more good fortune. The only way it could improve is with oral sex and guesses what you rich that’s easy to get.. On a less notable note being rich has drawbacks moochers and scroungers aplenty still munching a moocher is not such a bad idea lets them know who’s boss

Lucky Numbers: Quick Pick


With the stock market crash in the last half of the year, you will not be happy at all. To many of the young and powerful financial dudes and dudetts seem to want to end it by jumping from tall buildings and bridges. Such a waste of natures special vampire fuel. Get a placard and start a movement make them follow you down into the dark ally and slaughter them. Besides being buried with their head either smashed in or up their arse from the fall is not a pleasant thing for the relatives to see. better just the little puncture wounds of a stealthy bite. . See your dong the city a public services as well all that blood and crap on the side walk very unsightly.

Lucky Numbers: Kill suck em dry hmm blood Ok no numbers but who needs lucky numbers really


This year will be one of self discovery. A “friend” will convince you to tryout for Big Brother Vampire 07. This year they are looking for more conflict, and more “romance”.(any one read that as hot mommas and whos your daddy) You get short listed due to your hairstyle (see give enough time trends and styles do come around just yours took 400 years). Shock turns to horror, when you get the phone call saying that your going into lock down.(I wonder what your clan or current significant other is going to say about that not to mention your slightly moody and have been for about 90 years) One night while the world watches live during Up Late, there will be a fight between you and a housemate. The other party storms off, and the camera remains on you looking mighty pissed off. Then the housemate that was fighting with you comes at you with a knife. You take it off them slit their throat and lap their blood (guess its a good thing this is big brother vampire 07 and not the human version)The Big Brother crew had seen it coming, but it is to late to react. Your murder of the vampire is broadcast live around the world. Now no one takes you as a bitch slapped wimp arsed vampire no more.

Lucky Numbers: 12 inch blade


A new job is just around the corner for you. Being a street walker and selling sex for money pays off when a rich bastard, pays for some sex, and then decides that you have the “Girl/boy/Other next door” look that he is looking for in his production company. Turns out, he is the owner/producer/stunt cock of a Video Porn company. You take the job, but only to offset you coke habit. And besides snuff movies are good for you since they cant really kill you well as long as stakes aren’t used

Lucky Numbers: 69, 1 on 1, 3 some and gangbang.


You will get a new job this year in the mafia industry; it will also happen to be the “foot-in-the-door” (literally) you need to get some of your coins back you lent out (breaking other vampires kneecaps can be fun). Your ability to inflict a large amount of pain upon other is well received in some circles and you will rise fast. but in all you are just misunderstood ( you probably are better suited to be a hair dresser than a standover merchant specially with the colours you wear)

You will also meet a new friend, who you will grow really close to. and eventually you will kill them and take over there identity when the police get close to solving all those ummm ahh yes untimely deaths

Lucky Numbers: 4, 3, 128


A familiar face from when you were young will surface (you didn’t burry them deep enough or perhaps the ropes rotted through that the weights were tied to). The scary thing is you will bump into this person in the street (girls and boys can we say zombie), and you will talk for hours (does this sound familiar you have entered the twilight zone). It will turn out that this person had a crush on you when you were in High School, and still holds that flame burning.(ok this is just getting scary) It also turns out that you have a lot in common with them(both being the undead but they smell bad and have bits dropping of them icky or what), and that you too had a spark in your heart for them. (But mostly you just liked the taste of their blood in the end)

Near the end of the year, they ask to start to date them, its now time to drive them back into the ground vampires and zombies do not mate .

Lucky Numbers: 34, 82, 103


The dry spell will be broken this year. You will have lost of sex, with lots of sexy people. You will even reunite with a old crush. Win lots of money, Save millions of people, and hero to all of vampire kind. Or you will become the laughing stock of the city and spat on by the lowest of the low (pretty stark really one false move and you go from being hero to zero literally) The hippies you have been feeding on have found a fresh batch of mushrooms which will have you having lots of far out day dreams about all of these, while actually you are probably be sitting on the sofa in front of the TV, Beer in one hand, Xbox 360 controller in the other. Good luck with them mushrooms

Lucky Numbers: the ones in your little black book


Unlike what some vampires might think, your not running out of steam. There is only one thing to be sure of in this city, and that is vampires are stupid, and know nothing. Only drawing from past experiences with no real imagination to expand on things.. So saying that some things will be looking up this week, you’ll think its all falling into place. A wise man one said “Those that dance will be noticed. And those that look like dicks well look like dicks err or something like that”.

Best bet would be get noticed for your dancing and not for your dick errrr now that’s just wrong specially if you’re a shemale ohh my I think I am writing for the wrong place and wrong magazine

Lucky Numbers: 28, 49