Dear Lucius

3 minute read

Dear Lucius,

Tell me the truth. Signed: InuYasha</strong>

Dear InuYasha,

That’s the question, isn’t it? All right, but remember that you asked for it…

Verbal was Kaiser Soze. Darth Vader was Luke’s father. In “Murder on the Orient Express” all the passengers did it. Capt. Kirk was not really dead, he was just in the Nexus; but then Kirk died for real later. The North won. The Nazi lost. Harrison Ford saved the day, again. All of the “Reservoir Dogs” were shot. Robert Redford hit a game-winning home run at the end of “The Natural.’ James Bond got the girl. The girl got James Bond. Lestat wasn’t really dead, just buried. Jim Phelps betrayed the Impossible Mission team. Leia was Luke’s sister. Richard Gere ended up with the prostitute in “Pretty Woman.’ Henry V won, but hardly. Spock died, and then came back to life on a planet where Kirk’s son was killed, but he wasn’t downgraded for stealing the USS Enterprise because he wasn’t there, he was dead. ET phoned and went home. In “Blade Runner” Rachel was a replicant - some people think Deckard might be one too. Mr. Holland’s former students played his opus in the end - the red boy became governor. Robert DeNiro was shot and killed by Al Pacino ‘ we don’t have a clear visual proof though. Harry married Sally. Mr. Ripley was an impostor. Tom Hanks could catch Leonardo Di Caprio. In “Speed” there was a video camera on the bus and a hole under the garbage can. In ‘Psycho’ Anthony Perkins was the psycho - his mother’s corpse was held on a rocking chair. Nicolas Cage died in the end of “Leaving Las Vegas.’ HAL 9000 became homicidal, but it wasn’t its fault. (The letters following HAL were IBM). Romeo and Juliet killed each other. Jack was Tyler Durden. Rosebud was the sledge.

Finally, because Damari and I had a fight and I was in a bad mood, and you really did ask for it.

I hope this helps,

~Lucius Solves all your problems instantly - or your money back!

Dear Lucius,

I’ve often wondered what it is about power tools that seems to captivate vampires so much and put them into a frenzy?” Signed: Valorian</strong>

Dear Valorian,

Let’s come on down to the workshop, and see what we can come up with to resolve that mystery.

The first tool on the workbench is a hand-held drill. Let’s just turn it on, and press it against the wood’see how it penetrates deeply, leaving a tight, perfect hole. Look at this! Isn’t that a beauty?

Okay, let’s move on, there is a power hammer. Let’s put the nails in here, push it against the wood, and see it driving the spike in, all the way, in one potent stroke. And we can do it over and over again, pushing the nails in, one after another…

Now here is the power sander. clutch the edge of the wood against it, like that, and… Notice that nice, smooth curve? Look how well it fits into the hand. Mmmm!

How about the power screwdriver? See how simple it is to put the screws in. And now back out again, with just as small effort. In and out, in and out… I could keep it up all day long!

And we come to the scroll saw. It’s quite easy to use. It just goes up and down, up and down, violating the immaculate, virgin material and cleaving it right in twain. Oh, yes! Take it all, baby!


So as you can clearly see, the answer is that a vampire enjoys power tools because they allow him to design beautiful coffins with a skilled, well-crafted look.

I need a cigarette, now.

I hope this helps,

~Lucius Solves all your problems instantly - or your money back!



Deserve even better make up sex. grins

Damari    ~Ferryman~ Épouse de Lucius


such a weirdo sometimes :D


paid for this? ;)


Okay..I’ve got to admit.that was too farking funny :-D



You are?!?!?!?!?!!??!??!


Well, now we know why you like power tools, anyway :P

~Arsanga ó Cionaoith~ Prime Minister of Clan Seraphim Eternally Bound to Murrz Ramirez


…not? You cheap bastard.