Dear Lucius

2 minute read

Dear Lucius,

I’ve been undead for longer then 400 years, making my rounds nightly. Yet, I can still never figure out why so many vampires feel that loitering in banks is appropriate. Isn’t it terribly unreasonable and downright rude to those who have banking needs? They should be moving along before I call in back up and clean the place up!

Signed: Officer Gypsum</strong>

Dear Officer Gypsum,

Nice weather for the time of the year, isn’t it? Say hello to the nice officer, darling. Let’s show some manners. I’m Lucius Barrow, and this here is me partner, Damari Parker. No, put the cannon away, Damari love, we don’ t want anybody to get a headache now.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “What the ding-dong bell are those crooked looking vampires doing down here in the bank vault, why are they holding bags, and why is there a bleeding great hole in the wall behind them,” aren’t you? Well, it’s like this. We’re sewage inspectors, you see?

Yes, we’re sewage inspectors, and we were down the sewers catching rats, weren’t we? With the bags, you see? Why is it written “SWAG” on our sacks? Well, that’s just our union. It stands for the Sewage Workers And Garbagemen union. What’s that, darling? You don’t think she’s buying it? Course she is! Put the gun away now, Damari baby.

Why is Damari holding a gun, officer? Well she’s kind of a sceptic, isn’t she? Where we come from, they have alligators in the sewers, you see? You’ve got to go armed, it stands for a reason! Those rats down here are pretty fierce too, you know. Jaws this long! Have your leg off as soon as you say, “Bummer, strike a match”. Stop crying, Damari love.

So you see, it’s the rats that dug the hole in the wall, it’s just that we scared them off, you got it? And before we go off chasing them again, we thought we’d stick all the goods in our bags so if the rats came back and we weren’t here, they couldn’t eat them, you see? You’re following all this are you, kiddo? For Satan’s sake, Damari, will you stop waving that bleeding shooter! You’re even making me nervous.

Now, constable, what was your question again? Ah, yes, the sleeping customers’ Well, I don’t know, maybe it’s the gas we’re using to stun the rodents’ All of a sudden everyone got very sleepy, but we didn’t pay much attention, we’re quite busy, you see? Now, if you want to make yourself useful, can you get in the hole and watch for the rats until we finish bagging the loot, I mean, the goodies. Can you see anything? No? You amaze me. Maybe your mince pies will acclimatise if you bend over some more? There you go’

I hope this helps,

~Lucius Solves all your problems instantly - or your money back!



pulls out her gun and blows the smoke off the top of the barrell and holsters it again

I could get used to a life of crime.. yeeees indeedy…

 Damari   ~The Ferrymen~ Épouse de Lucius