Dear Lucius

4 minute read

Dear Lucius,

There once was a vamp who went through considerable trouble to have a childe even though he was dead and burried. We all thought it was quite silly of him to do so considering his condition at the moment of siring, but we stiffled our giggles and moved on. But now that the childe has severed from said vamp, the sire has gone and claimed him an illegitimate, unwanted offspring that he had never wanted in a first place…like a whore who wakes up the morning after and can’t believe she’s slept with an STD-infested slob and cries “rape.” What can this poor chap do to make the city stop laughing at his attempts to erase the past?

Laughing so hard her sides hurt, ~R-</strong>

Dear ~R-,

Using my amazing powers of clairvoyance, it is clear to me that this Childe, the ugly and the unwanted, surely did pray to the God called RavenBlack and did ask to bind himself without permission, to the most innocently deceased sire. He did so by begging, by coercion and dare I say it, monetary inducement to the Gods of this fair city.

It is a good thing this beggarly offsprat did sever itself from such honourable line. For in due time, the Sire arose, in glory and splendor and with derisive understanding did condemn the pathetic audacity of this hanger on.

~R~ I’m afraid, my vision be true and you’ve been led to believe a delusion, created by one who wishes he were all that he pretends.

I hope this helps.

Lucius Solves all your problems instantly - or your money back!

Dear Lucius,

Some time ago, I was embraced by the welcoming arms of insanity, and it brought me happiness unbound, until one day when I was attending a tea party at Mad Hatter’s, that I realized that my personalities had rebelled against me. Thus, my personalities dethroned me and put up an election to choose one of their own as the new “leader”. However, they each voted for themselves, except my Benevolent Personality who gave her right to vote to me. So now I have two votes to give. If I vote twice for myself, my sweet insanity will leave me and then the good old chap Mad Hatter will not invite me to his tea parties anymore, which would truly be a loss…

Here are the candidates:

~The Childish Personality~ who is very playful but rather naïve. ~The Benevolent Personality~ who is very kind of course, but can get softhearted at times. ~The Artistic Personality~ who is’ who is’ well, very artistic! But has a tendency in not being able to distinguish between reality and imagination. ~The Intellectual Personality~ who reasons perfectly but lacks imagination. ~The Romantic Personality~ who is always in love but often sacrifices everything for it. ~The Arrogant Personality~ who is very confident but, well you know the downside’

So whom do you think I should choose?

Signed: Lunaida the lunatic wanderer</strong>

Dear Lunaida,

That was a HUGE question. You think I am not busy enough with my own Senate of 115 personalities?? All right, I can give you a few hints. Strangely enough, the more important your Personality is, the less eligible it is. Let us examine the relationship between Personality eligibility and necessity…

Childish: Has to be on the ball every day or the whole system will shut down due to lack of hope and love. Eligibility: Nil. Necessity: Supreme.

Benevolent: Has to come in to the office every day. Without the benevolent, numbers are wrong, for if you cannot give, how could you ever receive? Eligibility: Minimal Necessity: Very high

Artistic: Comes in to the office every day, but can shag off early on weekends without much problem. Is really only needed weekly to check the beauty of the world. Eligibility: Marginal Necessity: High

Romantic: Comes in the office almost every day, but spends most of his time canoodling with secretaries. Only function is to be fired when a sacrificial goat is de rigueur, without troubling the people who actually work. Eligibility: High Necessity: Marginal

Intellectual: May or may not come in to the office. Will not be missed, everyone hates this ‘know-it-all.’ Only function is to criticize, tell his superior what Personality is up to, and what should they do instead. Eligibility: Very high Necessity: Minimal

Arrogant: Usually never comes in to the office. Habitually out at “high-level conferences” at the golf course. Primary function is to be the public face of the whole, but is typically old, hairless, corpulent, and unpleasant. Eligibility: Awe-inspiring Necessity: Negative

You do the math.

I think you should vote for me, because I don’t believe you have there wherewithal to vote for anything going on inside your own mind. You should take a page from my book, I suggest number 562, and compartmentalize your personalities. Give them specific roles, jobs, assignments, and tell them to bugger the hell off and do their jobs and not to bother you with their silly popularity contest. As for Mad Hatter’s tea parties, I can get you a gold member card. He owes me.

I hope this helps.

Lucius Solves all your problems instantly - or your money back!