Dear Lucius

1 minute read

Dear Lucius,

It appears to me that there are many in this city that seem to proliferate a multitude of enemies.

Am I a failure as a vampire for not having such an aggregation of foes? Would it perhaps be appropriate that I instigate such a contingency of my own? And may I request your assistance in describing to me, what such a being would resemble?


Dear Richthofen,

One bloodthirsty creature might wonder, indeed. The enemy: for what? Since we live for war and blood, the enemy is quite crucial. It is even the most irreplaceable element in war. In case of Holy Water shortage stock, vampires can advantageously kill each other with Garlic Spray, Scrolls of Turning, machetes or nuclear bombs. Because weapons, thank Satan,’ “Don’t mention it” “I insist” ‘because weapons are expendable. But not the enemy.

Without the enemy, war is nonsense. A war without an enemy is like a basketball game without a basketball: you don’t know what to shoot anymore, you etiolate, and lower yourself to the level of the beast, and that’s what is called peace.

How to recognize the enemy? It is very important to recognize the enemy. An enemy that you don’t recognize is like no enemy at all, I’m having goose bumps at this thought.

Here are a few basic criteria that allow recognizing the enemy:

-The enemy is stupid: he thinks you are the enemy when it is him. -The enemy has ears. -The enemy isn’t contagious. All right, but he is hereditary. -The enemy is insidious: sometimes the enemy is out there and that’s the truth. -The enemy needs to consult his dentist. -The enemy is sometimes disguised in flowers but make no mistake: while the flowers are at the windows, the enemy is at the gates. -The enemy dresses ridiculously and smells funny. -The enemy doesn’t know how to behave in society. When you invite the enemy to your table, he will just plow through your home raping and pillaging.

And if you are looking forward to making new enemies, let’s be friends.

I hope this helps,

~Lucius Solves all your problems instantly - or your money back!